People

I was just at a "volunteer tea" at my kid's school. I volunteer there once a week. It was to thank us for volunteering and taking an interest in our children's school.

I hate social functions. I always feel like nobody likes me, or wants to talk to me. Lately people have talked to me though, and they seem to like me and want to listen to what I say. Lately I've actually had something to say, my mind doesn't go blank with fear. There's always that moment though, when you walk in a room and realize that you'll have to talk to someone or stand alone like a dope, pretending to be interested in some inanimate object.

Fortunately a teacher in my daughter's grade talked to me about a beautiful song my daughter wrote for a book report. She's so talented.

Once a conversation starts I'm usually afraid that I'll say something stupid causing that person to leave, or want to. So, after I leave an event, I review every conversation I had looking for errors, or trying to find some subtle way the other person was trying to end the conversation, or some reason they may not ever want to talk to me again. This is so exhausting and I usually find it less stressful and draining to just stay away from people. Safe, in my own home with people that have to love me or whose criticism I can endure. I am so bazaar! Every week I have to convince myself to go to church again thinking that this may be the week that I'm rejected.

Anyway, the teacher and I had a long conversation about teachers, dads, childbirth, dentists until he felt like he should really talk to the other volunteers. At that point I made a quick get away, afraid that maybe that was my one and only chance at conversation.

Our pastor has been talking about the fruits of the spirit lately and I know I'm not shy or anxious when I'm filled with The spirit. I really need to spend more time with God.

I'm really so much better than I used to be. It seems that when I experience God's presence and I'm walking in His spirit it's like I'm a baby, learning to walk. He's holding my two hands over my head, supporting me as I take unsure steps. I learn what it feels like to walk and eventually I can do it on my own, but when I fall I'm afraid to try again unless I go to Him and ask Him to help me and remember how it feels to walk while He holds my hands.

What a great Dad. I really should spend more time with Him.