Nanny T.V.

I'm so sick of those nanny t.v. shows that tell parents how to do it better.

It seems to be the direction parenting is going. I don't watch Dr. Phil anymore because I can't stand his parenting advise.

Why aren't there reality shows with kinder, gentler parenting teachers. People who will show the control freak parents that there's a better way.

I just watched a nanny show that showed the poor mother crying as the father took his daughter into the bedroom because she wouldn't sit and eat at the table properly. The child screamed for 5 minutes while the mom tried to reason with the nanny and ask why this was necessary. The nanny blamed the mom for her 2 year olds screams. She claimed that this had to happen so that the father could be apart of this child's life as well. The child was after all with her father who loved her.

I'm surrounded by people who think this kind of parenting is good for children and of course better for them.

I'm apalled, I'm sad for these children and I want to hold up my children as wondrful examples of children who were raised without that kind of parenting, but I feel like they're looking at my cluttered home, my still young and clingy 3 year old and my neglected husband. I feel like they see my life and shake their heads and wonder how I could let these children control my life. I look at the end of these parenting shows where children are angels and everyone's smiling. I look at parents that gleefully leave their children for the weekend to spend time together. Did I make a mistake? Did I sacrifice for nothing? In the end don't our children turn out the same anyway?

Barbara Colorrosso, Dr. Sears please do a parenting show for me so that I know it was worth it. I feel like everyone's ganging up on me.

Attachment Parenting

I've become insecure lately about my choice to parent in a kind, hands off kind of way. Listening to who my kids are and giving them natural consequences, gently leading them in the right direction.

I've become insecure because everyone around me doesn't agree with my approach. My family has watched me raise my kids and can see how wonderful they are but they choose to let their children cry and take a different approach.

I guess I'm questioning myself because letting your children cry themselves to sleep a little means that you get to have alone time with your spouse. I didn't really get that, and I know my hubby missed it.

I was willing to sacrifice, for the short time it would take, for my kids to be comfortable in their own beds all night. I was willing to stay home with them until they felt comfortable with me leaving. I was willing to breast feed until they wanted to give it up.

I'm wondering now if the sacrifice was worth it. Are my kids really better off? I guess time will tell because I can't see myself doing it any other way.

Homosexuality

I'm a christian. What does that mean? That I hate homosexuals? That I'm some kind of biggot? That I'm intolerant of others differences?

You are a homosexual. Does that mean that you can't be a christian? Does that mean that your life was chosen or were you born that way? Do you go from partner to partner spreading diseases? Do you speak with a lisp and try to look feminine to attract a masculine guy? Or are you female and try to look more masculine?

I don't hate homosexuals. I may be homophobic though, afraid of what I don't understand. And I'm probably also intolerant in a variety of areas, though I don't think that's something to be completely ashamed of.

So what is homosexuality? Is it simply being attracted to the opposite sex? I can see the allure. I am a woman, I would feel safer in a relationship with another woman, being a woman she would want to be in a relationship, she would understand what it was like to be a woman, we would understand and know how to please each other physically. It would be nice and safe.

I'm sure that a heterosexual relationship is different than a homosexual relationship. The dynamics are different, we have to learn and try to understand the opposite sex if we want the relationship to continue. We also have to understand the person and where they fall on the masculine and feminine scale.

I can see that I could be a lesbian, easily. I could be attracted to women. Women are beautiful and nurturing, I could embrace that lifestyle and once I did I would defend it without question because I am gay. I would have alot of support from those in my community. As well as celebrities and government leaders and teachers. I could be angry about the bigotry of those that think that my relationship with my girlfriend is wrong.

There would be christian fanatics though, that would say terrible things to me, claiming that I should never marry my girlfriend because it makes heterosexual marriage less valuable. Hilarious, how valuable is it anyway? People get divorced daily, there is no sacred marriage.

Yes, I can see where they're coming from. It's safer and easier and seems right, because it feels right, but does that make it right? Is that for me to say? I don't know.

Due to the choices and influences in my life, I am a heterosexual wife and mother. I'm sure that could have been different at any point in my sexual development and difficult to let go of once I started down that path.

I'm sure I have more to learn, just thinking out loud.

People

I was just at a "volunteer tea" at my kid's school. I volunteer there once a week. It was to thank us for volunteering and taking an interest in our children's school.

I hate social functions. I always feel like nobody likes me, or wants to talk to me. Lately people have talked to me though, and they seem to like me and want to listen to what I say. Lately I've actually had something to say, my mind doesn't go blank with fear. There's always that moment though, when you walk in a room and realize that you'll have to talk to someone or stand alone like a dope, pretending to be interested in some inanimate object.

Fortunately a teacher in my daughter's grade talked to me about a beautiful song my daughter wrote for a book report. She's so talented.

Once a conversation starts I'm usually afraid that I'll say something stupid causing that person to leave, or want to. So, after I leave an event, I review every conversation I had looking for errors, or trying to find some subtle way the other person was trying to end the conversation, or some reason they may not ever want to talk to me again. This is so exhausting and I usually find it less stressful and draining to just stay away from people. Safe, in my own home with people that have to love me or whose criticism I can endure. I am so bazaar! Every week I have to convince myself to go to church again thinking that this may be the week that I'm rejected.

Anyway, the teacher and I had a long conversation about teachers, dads, childbirth, dentists until he felt like he should really talk to the other volunteers. At that point I made a quick get away, afraid that maybe that was my one and only chance at conversation.

Our pastor has been talking about the fruits of the spirit lately and I know I'm not shy or anxious when I'm filled with The spirit. I really need to spend more time with God.

I'm really so much better than I used to be. It seems that when I experience God's presence and I'm walking in His spirit it's like I'm a baby, learning to walk. He's holding my two hands over my head, supporting me as I take unsure steps. I learn what it feels like to walk and eventually I can do it on my own, but when I fall I'm afraid to try again unless I go to Him and ask Him to help me and remember how it feels to walk while He holds my hands.

What a great Dad. I really should spend more time with Him.

New Endevor

Hello blog world!!! This is my absolute first post. Just trying it out to see how it feels.

More to come.....