For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. John 3:17

This past Sunday was Narnia Sunday at our church. Our Pastor, a gifted speaker, spoke eloquently about the story, it's author and the movie. Fantastic! But near the very beginning he said those words "for God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him", then he apologized on behalf of all or any Christian who condemned anyone there, because we were not sent to condemn either. He spoke those words on my behalf and I really wished my mom and my brother were there to hear those words, because really it was me that should have said them.
I'm sure you've seen the bitterness dripping from me, infecting other areas of my life. I can't speak without bitterness permeating my words. This is the barrier, my condemnation, that I am in no position to give.
I'm visiting my mother this Friday for the first time in way too long. Please pray for me and our relationship.

It is the beginning of t.v./computer free week for our family. We usually have a t.v. free week 4 times per year. This is not one of the scheduled weeks. Our lives have been kind of disorganized lately so I felt that it was time to get rid of all the distractions that keep us from focusing on what's important.
I'm really glad we have these and that I can actually tear myself away from these things that I usually use to comfort me. It forces me to turn to God and spend time with Him. I've needed to do this for awhile. I think we may add an extra week now, right before Christmas.
See y'all in a week!

You may have noticed that I have been struggling with my parenting choices.
I've found that when I see others doing so well, I realize how inferior I am. I've tried not to get defensive, but learn from them, confessing that I'm failing and asking God to help me change.
God knows me so well. He knew this would be difficult for me and hasn't forced me to face it until now.
When I became a parent I realized what an important job it was. I didn't want to just follow the lead of those before me. I wanted to do a good job. I didn't want to be responsible for ruining an entire life. I also didn't want to lose the very good relationship I've always had with my husband. That was the most precious of all.
I read many opinions from many perspectives. My child, of course, would be perfect as long as I didn't mess him up.
If you've met me, you know that I can be an emotional basket case. I think a lot of my emotions came to the surface when my son was born. I couldn't believe how quickly I fell in love with him and how I could possibly love my husband more than I already did. We were suddenly a family, a real family.
My response when my son cried was immediate. I didn't like it. I had a physical need to comfort him. Some experts recommend suppressing this need and a lot of mothers are successful at doing that. I could not. I had planned to, I wanted to, but I couldn't. My baby needed me and I needed to comfort my baby.
I continued to try to follow the experts recommendations. I really wanted some time with my husband. I envied the women who bottle fed or could express their milk and went out with their husbands, alone, only weeks later. I could not, though I desperately wanted to.
Months passed. My son was on a pretty good schedule, with a regular bedtime and naptime.
I rocked him to sleep. I still couldn't bear to hear him cry.
I had to return to work. I begged God to make a way for me to stay home. I thought of many ideas, none were practical. I weaned my baby onto a bottle at 6 mos., heartbreaking. I prepared to take him to my mother-in-law while I worked. We visited regularly, getting him used to his new surroundings. Sanford and I went out for our birthday when he was five mos., we enjoyed our time together but also missed our baby. When we called to check on him, he was sick (vomiting with a fever) so we went home.
He cried every morning when I left him and I cried all the way to work, praying that he would be okay and still praying for a chance to stay home with him.
I was torn between my obligations at work, time with my husband and time with my son. It was hard for me.
My frustration with the nanny shows and moms that do things differently is that I could not do it that way. I recognize that it was my failure. If I could take a step back and allow some emotional distance, things may have been different.
I hung onto my self proclaimed title of "good mother", knowing that I was meeting my baby's emotional needs, but perhaps neglecting those of my husband and my own. I can see now that I probably wasn't healthy emotionally, maybe I'm still not.
I know my kids would have been fine with a different mom who has different methods. Those moms are great and organized and have time for their husband way sooner than I could be. The nanny shows are probably beneficial, I just can't bear to hear the little children crying and so, I can't watch them.
I'm giving to God this last thing that I thought I could do well, because in truth, my kids are great kids because of Him and in spite of me.
Somehow we've made it through. My husband still loves me and after this last batch of kids we're anxious to get back to being simply, a couple. I hope the decisions we've made haven't caused any damage that time together can't fix.

Have you ever met someone that saw all of your potential? That knew you better than you knew yourself? That pushed you to do new things before you thought you were ready? So you avoid him, because he makes you feel uncomfortable and you just know he's going to push you in a new uncomfortable direction.
Jesus is like that for me. I love Him so much but when I talk to Him, I know what He's going to say. It's not going to be pretty. It's not going to feel good. I'm gonna hafta change. So I avoid Him, but He keeps tapping me on the shoulder. "I love you Maureen, come spend time with me" You can't run from that forever.

My Abbreviated Story

I was born in Toronto to a Catholic family. I am the second of four children. My mom was born in Canada with Austrian and some kind of U.k. ancestry. My dad came directly from Liverpool England. He was born in 1930, so spent much of his childhood in bomb shelters and exploring the debris of the bombed homes around him. My parents were not affectionate, with us or each other. I didn't get hugs or I love yous. I don't blame them though, I understand that they didn't know how, or didn't understand that I needed it.
I had a pretty good childhood. We never had much money, but my mom made sure we had plenty of opportunities. I had piano lessons, ballet lessons, I was a brownie and later when my sister expressed an interest in horses, we both got lessons and later our own ponies, none of which we could really afford.
My parents would occasionally fight. We would all be sent to our rooms where we would have what my sister called "kid's meetings". It helped us feel less insecure.
When I was 10 we moved to a farm in Dufferin County. My parents assured us that we would go to the Catholic school in Orangeville where we new some people that moved to this area before us. Bussing wouldn't allow it however and we were forced to go to a public school.
I was very shy and didn't make friends, very easily.
There weren't many catholic kids in this school, they were pretty much white protestant farmers, or descendants of white protestant farmers. Very different from what I was used to. Everyone knew everyone for generations. Even my mom, who is quite a "joiner" and makes friends pretty easily, found it difficult to fit in.
I'm sure each of us has our own ideas of what happened next. My mom and dad fought more, we had way more "kid's meetings" that started involving what we'd do if our parent's divorced and what we could do to make things better. My mom started to get depressed. Eventually she was hospitalized, we went to see her in the psych ward. My sister turned into our mother. We all tried to do all the things that would make my mom happy and bring her home, but it didn't work. She came home for awhile but continued to be depressed, she started seeing psychiatrists regularly. During this time my sister went to a camp with Campus Life, Kiaros. She came home acting weird. She loved Jesus and told me all the time, it was annoying.
My sister went to a youth group with her friend from school and of course the weekly campus life meetings, which she loved. I went to a Youth for Christ event, I forget what it was about, but I remember when I first heard that Jesus really loved me and wanted to forgive my sins and what he suffered to do that. They asked for anyone that wanted to take that step to come to the front and I really wanted to. I leaned toward my sister and asked if she wanted to go up there. She sneered at me and said "no". I later understood why, she was annoyed that I thought she wasn't already a christian, when, of course, she was.
It became increasingly difficult to live at home with my mom. She maintained that it was our fault and brought in children's aid workers to try and fix me and my brother, we were smoking and skipping class and not doing much around the house. The threat that was always presented was "you can be kicked out, do you want that?" Well, actually, yes I did.
Eventually, it happened. Not too long after my 16th birthday. My mom told me not to come home. So, I didn't. I had a friend who had already offered to take me in. She was a self proclaimed satan worshipper. That sounded great to me, no rules, no moral boundaries, I was free! But I couldn't find her anywhere. She wasn't at school.
My sister found someone that would take me in, Nikki. I didn't want to stay with her though. I went to her house once. Her mom talked about Jesus all the time. They were weird. But I had to sleep somewhere.
Nikki was 16, like me. She smoked, she drank, she skipped school, she had no respect for authority (except God, she would stop dead in the hall when the Lord's prayer was recited at school) she was loud and she swore, perfect! She became my best friend, we were inseparable.
Nikki told me she was pregnant. I thought that was great. Ever since I heard about what the baby experienced during an abortion I was completely against them and I looked at every pregnancy as a miracle.
It was required, that we go to church on Sunday. We went to Bethel Bible Chapel in the morning and the Pentecostal church at night. I'd never seen anything like it. They were crazy charismatic people, I was uncomfortable.
Nikki often spoke of her cool older brother, Sanford. He came home to visit one weekend and moved home the next. He claims he loved me the moment he saw me and has maintained that story ever since. I never met anyone like him before, he listened to me, and wanted to be my friend, not just a boyfriend. I looked around at the teenagers making out in the halls at school and wondered if they knew that they could have something this real.
This time proved to be a crossroads for the 3 of us. Nikki, with her impending motherhood, leaned on Jesus more and more. Sanford struggled with our relationship knowing that he couldn't stay with me if I wasn't a christian and I was surrounded by all this love and acceptance, but in the center of a very dysfunctional family, that knew, for sure, that there was a Jesus who forgives sins and changes lives. I wasn't even sure that there was a God anymore, but I started looking at these wonderful people as not so weird.
One day, Sanford and I sat at the kitchen table, he wasn't feeling well. He was having another asthma attack and was gathering his energy to go to the hospital. So, I thought I'd give praying a shot. I asked God, quietly, to myself, if He was really there, to heal Sanford and let him breathe. I told Him that if He did, I would know for sure that He existed.
An unbelievable thing happened, that has never happened since. Sanford lifted his head off the table and looked puzzled. He said "I can breathe...that's never happened before". I was amazed! There really is a God! He does exist and He answers prayers and performs miracles! It's really true!
I've had a lot of ups and downs since that day, and a period of time that I questioned again if there was a God, but He keeps pointing me back to that day, and I know for sure that He exists, He has nothing more to prove to me.

When I'm confronted with two opposing viewpoints I usually find out what people are saying for this point of view and what they are saying against this point of view. I don't like to dive into things head first just because someone claims that it is good. Usually there's a balance in the middle somewhere.
For example: low carb vs. low fat diets. For awhile I was all for the low fat diet. I exercised like crazy, hardly ate protein, it was carbs all the way. Then low carb came into fashion. I looked into it, listened to what the nutritionists said for and against it. I came to the conclusion that meat is good, fat is good, and carbs are good. God made them all, enjoy. Eat healthy and exercise.
So, I'm doing the same thing where the emerging church is concerned. Some of what they're saying is so good. They are the very things that I have been dissatisfied with as well. I long to be open and real with people and connect with them at a deeper level. I want to go into the world and tell people about Jesus in a way that they will understand. I was all ready to do that until I was told that the words I spoke where "christianese". I need to learn this new language emergenese? pomoese? or maybe it's like they say, speak the language of the one you're speaking to. That's cool, but then I feel like I'm being fake. Do I need to become like a teen to relate to one? Or can I dig into my experience as a teen, remembering how it feels and relate to them that way? We all speak some variation of the English language don't we? I think they're smart enough to figure out what I'm saying even if, to them, I have an accent.
I read some blogs by post modern people who explain that indeed alot of their followers are missing the point. They're caught up in their anger and bitterness and missing what postmodernism is about. Even without the bitterness though, I still feel that something's missing. I'm not sure what. I'll research further.
Brian McLaren spoke recently about the 7 layers of postmodernism. I don't think I'm anywhere near the first level, and I'm not sure that I want to be. I'm sure that if it's meant to happen God will open my eyes. He's so good at doing that.

Labels

Labels are used to identify what's inside. We frantically search for a label to describe ourselves, perhaps with a flaw label (I'm shy, I'm a.d.d., I have a personality disorder) or maybe It's what you do,(I'm a mom, a wife, a doctor, a lawyer, president). Is that what defines us? Labels?
I used to ask God "who am I?", I felt that His reply was simply "My child" In the end, when everything I am is stripped away, when my children leave, my husband dies and I am alone, I will always be His child. There's great comfort in that.
Since I first became a christian I've been concerned with how different churches name themselves, why are there so many? Dave B. said at church recently that we have the mind of Christ. If we are all following the same savior, then why is there so much to argue about?
There is a movement with yet another label, emergent. These people are questioning and moving in a new direction. It reminds me of a time when I was watching Oprah, she was talking about how God was in all of us and when you meditate you're connecting with God, or your inner self. That didn't seem right to me, though it made sense. This emergent church idea doesn't seem right to me either, though their arguments make sense. What they believe isn't clear and their explanations seem vague. Maybe I'm just not smart enough to understand what they're saying. Perhaps someone can explain it to me.

I miss my husband

I miss my husband. I miss him when he's sent away for work. I miss him when he's at home, but working on something. I miss the time we used to spend talking after supper before my dad moved in. I miss the time we spent sitting in the car in the driveway while our children were sleeping (the big ones don't do that anymore). I miss long talks without interuptions. I miss weekends to ourselves, because we had so many babysitters available. I miss going out for dinner, without making plans, or finding a babysitter. I miss sleeping in together on the weekends and planning our day because we have absolutely nothing to do.
For now, I cherish what I have, and look forward to when we will have more. I can see it's just around that corner.

Judgments

Everyone hates to be judged. It's so simplistic to make a judgment about someone without knowing who they really are. But we all do it, to some degree. We look at how someone dresses and decide that maybe they have money or not very much. We listen to how they speak, or look at how they type and assume that we know how long they went to school. People that have run down houses with old cars laying around probably have a drinking problem and are on welfare.

We can decide that we aren't going to do that anymore and, for the most part, succeed. Until we're faced with a homeless person. "Get a job" you might think to yourself, not really wanting to find out anything more about this person. Or, you might want to help, and give him some change, sit and talk with him awhile and find out his story and how hopeless he feels and maybe help him to find hope.

Okay, you can see that the homeless guy might not be who you thought, but what about a murderer, or a pedophile, or a wife abuser, or a rapist. Do they deserve our mercy? Do they deserve God's mercy? These people have a story as well. They were once little babies, little children. Someone might have loved and wanted them once or maybe they were never loved or wanted. Along the way something went terribly wrong and eventually they became a person that would be described as evil.

We all make mistakes, we all sin, we all have ventured down the wrong path. I believe that the greatest pain comes when we look at ourselves in all its filthiness. I believe that those with the greatest sins have the most difficulty facing them and even after being forgiven, carry the pain of what they did. I hope, that if they did ask Jesus for forgiveness, that in heaven they would feel that pain no more. There is no fear of hell if you feel the pain of it right now. Perhaps that is what hell is...you see your sin for what it is, when it's too late to do anything about it.

I read the headlines, about these terrible people and I can't help but see their pain. Instead of anger, I only feel sadness. I know there's so much more underneath that perhaps only Jesus can see. I pray for their salvation.

Roofing part 2

Another exciting weekend roofing. Busy, busy, busy. I actually managed to get up there with my hubby's magic boots. They have tread that keeps a person from slipping. On Friday it was early dismissal for the kids so me and Jo went up there to help Sanford shingle before he had to go back to work.
On Saturday they finished stripping off the last of the shingles. Earl came back again (he came to help 3 days already this week before he went to work too) and Sanford's dad and even Daryl, giving up another day with his wife and kids and precious newborn. Donna and the girls returned as well and then Mona skipped up the driveway with her cheery smile and an m&m too tall cake... mmmm.
I mentioned to Donna that we could celebrate Jonathan and Rebecca's birthday at the end of the day with a cake and candles. She went crazy at the store...she bought 2 cakes, pop, chips, my favorite chocolate chip cookies and a happy birthday banner. We came in to quite a surprise, it was great.
So, we're off to a costume party at the Baptist Church that my brother goes to. It's become an annual tradition that the kids look forward to every year. Hope everyone has a safe and happy night.

Sibling Rivalry

I was thinking today about how much like children we christians are. Competing for our Father's attention, fighting over which of us know Him best. In reality, only He can reveal Himself to us. If we know Him better, it is because of Him, not anything we did ourselves. In the same way, other people can't be convinced or shown unless God reveals Himself to them.
Sometimes God reminds me of my insignificance, which should make me feel terrible, but instead it reminds me of how great He is. That's a wonderful thing.

Roofing

So, we had an exciting weekend roofing. I picked up shingle debree with those too terrified or too physically impaired (Jen) to venture up there. To be fair, our roof is very steep and due to the rain, very slippery, not a good combination. I did attempt to climb up there and to help in some way but as my shoes slid down the side of the roof and I realized that in a different spot I could slip right off the side and DIE.
I'm so grateful for all of the people who helped in any way. Sanfords still working on it everyday before he heads to his real job. I wish he could take a day off, or that I could be more helpful.
The most helpful thing for me was that Donna and my sister Mary took care of things inside the house on Saturday. Knowing that I could just be useful outside without being called in constantly by my kids or feeling the need to be a hostess was awesome. I can't remember the last time I could just work hard, without interruption, it felt really good.
Thanks to everyone that gave up their weekend to help and days before work afterward (Earl), and precious time with their newborn (Darryl). Thank you all for not falling off the roof. Thanks also to Rebecca who tried to help me make picking up garbage more entertaining (twinkle, twinkle, little star...). I'll be really happy when this job is finally done. I think this one is the biggest on Sanford's long to do list. I'm sure everything else will be much easier and less time sensitive.

Sick

On Friday Emily, in addition to this terrible illness our family has been inflicted with, started making short gasping breaths and couldn't complete a sentance.
I remained calm, as the expert first aid person (Sanford) has taught me, knowing he would be home from work soon.
Em's condition worsened so Sanford took her to the doctor where they decided to observe her over night. Sanford had been awake since 4:30 that morning and now looked forward to not sleeping at the hospital. He's so good with the kids when they're sick, he knows how scary hospitals can be.
They came home Saturday afternoon after Sanford assured the doctor that we could care for Em at home. She has 4 different medications, 2 inhalers and 2 liquid medications. I pray that I won't miss a single dose or she might wind up back in the hospital.
The drugs are making her a little hyper at times. She played and talked none stop until she finally went to sleep last night. The things she said were so cute.
This morning she found that she lost her voice. Through her whispers there's an occasional squeek. I told her that she sounded like a mouse, which she loved. She ran to show her brother how mouse like she was.
I've decided to stay home from church today to allow Sanf and Em to rest and to keep the rest of us from spreading our germs around.
I think I'll make soup for lunch.

Going Public

After much thought, I've decided to go public and let those that are in my day- to- day life know that I have a blog.
I'm usually pretty secretive about my life and my thoughts, it keeps me from being openly rejected. Actually, what I've found is that the more secretive and stand-offish you are, the more people are uncomfortable around you and they ultimately reject you anyway.
So here I am...my thoughts, the good and the bad, the wierd and the not so wierd, all of it.
Reject or accept me at will.

Nanny T.V.

I'm so sick of those nanny t.v. shows that tell parents how to do it better.

It seems to be the direction parenting is going. I don't watch Dr. Phil anymore because I can't stand his parenting advise.

Why aren't there reality shows with kinder, gentler parenting teachers. People who will show the control freak parents that there's a better way.

I just watched a nanny show that showed the poor mother crying as the father took his daughter into the bedroom because she wouldn't sit and eat at the table properly. The child screamed for 5 minutes while the mom tried to reason with the nanny and ask why this was necessary. The nanny blamed the mom for her 2 year olds screams. She claimed that this had to happen so that the father could be apart of this child's life as well. The child was after all with her father who loved her.

I'm surrounded by people who think this kind of parenting is good for children and of course better for them.

I'm apalled, I'm sad for these children and I want to hold up my children as wondrful examples of children who were raised without that kind of parenting, but I feel like they're looking at my cluttered home, my still young and clingy 3 year old and my neglected husband. I feel like they see my life and shake their heads and wonder how I could let these children control my life. I look at the end of these parenting shows where children are angels and everyone's smiling. I look at parents that gleefully leave their children for the weekend to spend time together. Did I make a mistake? Did I sacrifice for nothing? In the end don't our children turn out the same anyway?

Barbara Colorrosso, Dr. Sears please do a parenting show for me so that I know it was worth it. I feel like everyone's ganging up on me.

Attachment Parenting

I've become insecure lately about my choice to parent in a kind, hands off kind of way. Listening to who my kids are and giving them natural consequences, gently leading them in the right direction.

I've become insecure because everyone around me doesn't agree with my approach. My family has watched me raise my kids and can see how wonderful they are but they choose to let their children cry and take a different approach.

I guess I'm questioning myself because letting your children cry themselves to sleep a little means that you get to have alone time with your spouse. I didn't really get that, and I know my hubby missed it.

I was willing to sacrifice, for the short time it would take, for my kids to be comfortable in their own beds all night. I was willing to stay home with them until they felt comfortable with me leaving. I was willing to breast feed until they wanted to give it up.

I'm wondering now if the sacrifice was worth it. Are my kids really better off? I guess time will tell because I can't see myself doing it any other way.

Homosexuality

I'm a christian. What does that mean? That I hate homosexuals? That I'm some kind of biggot? That I'm intolerant of others differences?

You are a homosexual. Does that mean that you can't be a christian? Does that mean that your life was chosen or were you born that way? Do you go from partner to partner spreading diseases? Do you speak with a lisp and try to look feminine to attract a masculine guy? Or are you female and try to look more masculine?

I don't hate homosexuals. I may be homophobic though, afraid of what I don't understand. And I'm probably also intolerant in a variety of areas, though I don't think that's something to be completely ashamed of.

So what is homosexuality? Is it simply being attracted to the opposite sex? I can see the allure. I am a woman, I would feel safer in a relationship with another woman, being a woman she would want to be in a relationship, she would understand what it was like to be a woman, we would understand and know how to please each other physically. It would be nice and safe.

I'm sure that a heterosexual relationship is different than a homosexual relationship. The dynamics are different, we have to learn and try to understand the opposite sex if we want the relationship to continue. We also have to understand the person and where they fall on the masculine and feminine scale.

I can see that I could be a lesbian, easily. I could be attracted to women. Women are beautiful and nurturing, I could embrace that lifestyle and once I did I would defend it without question because I am gay. I would have alot of support from those in my community. As well as celebrities and government leaders and teachers. I could be angry about the bigotry of those that think that my relationship with my girlfriend is wrong.

There would be christian fanatics though, that would say terrible things to me, claiming that I should never marry my girlfriend because it makes heterosexual marriage less valuable. Hilarious, how valuable is it anyway? People get divorced daily, there is no sacred marriage.

Yes, I can see where they're coming from. It's safer and easier and seems right, because it feels right, but does that make it right? Is that for me to say? I don't know.

Due to the choices and influences in my life, I am a heterosexual wife and mother. I'm sure that could have been different at any point in my sexual development and difficult to let go of once I started down that path.

I'm sure I have more to learn, just thinking out loud.

People

I was just at a "volunteer tea" at my kid's school. I volunteer there once a week. It was to thank us for volunteering and taking an interest in our children's school.

I hate social functions. I always feel like nobody likes me, or wants to talk to me. Lately people have talked to me though, and they seem to like me and want to listen to what I say. Lately I've actually had something to say, my mind doesn't go blank with fear. There's always that moment though, when you walk in a room and realize that you'll have to talk to someone or stand alone like a dope, pretending to be interested in some inanimate object.

Fortunately a teacher in my daughter's grade talked to me about a beautiful song my daughter wrote for a book report. She's so talented.

Once a conversation starts I'm usually afraid that I'll say something stupid causing that person to leave, or want to. So, after I leave an event, I review every conversation I had looking for errors, or trying to find some subtle way the other person was trying to end the conversation, or some reason they may not ever want to talk to me again. This is so exhausting and I usually find it less stressful and draining to just stay away from people. Safe, in my own home with people that have to love me or whose criticism I can endure. I am so bazaar! Every week I have to convince myself to go to church again thinking that this may be the week that I'm rejected.

Anyway, the teacher and I had a long conversation about teachers, dads, childbirth, dentists until he felt like he should really talk to the other volunteers. At that point I made a quick get away, afraid that maybe that was my one and only chance at conversation.

Our pastor has been talking about the fruits of the spirit lately and I know I'm not shy or anxious when I'm filled with The spirit. I really need to spend more time with God.

I'm really so much better than I used to be. It seems that when I experience God's presence and I'm walking in His spirit it's like I'm a baby, learning to walk. He's holding my two hands over my head, supporting me as I take unsure steps. I learn what it feels like to walk and eventually I can do it on my own, but when I fall I'm afraid to try again unless I go to Him and ask Him to help me and remember how it feels to walk while He holds my hands.

What a great Dad. I really should spend more time with Him.

New Endevor

Hello blog world!!! This is my absolute first post. Just trying it out to see how it feels.

More to come.....