You may have noticed that I have been struggling with my parenting choices.
I've found that when I see others doing so well, I realize how inferior I am. I've tried not to get defensive, but learn from them, confessing that I'm failing and asking God to help me change.
God knows me so well. He knew this would be difficult for me and hasn't forced me to face it until now.
When I became a parent I realized what an important job it was. I didn't want to just follow the lead of those before me. I wanted to do a good job. I didn't want to be responsible for ruining an entire life. I also didn't want to lose the very good relationship I've always had with my husband. That was the most precious of all.
I read many opinions from many perspectives. My child, of course, would be perfect as long as I didn't mess him up.
If you've met me, you know that I can be an emotional basket case. I think a lot of my emotions came to the surface when my son was born. I couldn't believe how quickly I fell in love with him and how I could possibly love my husband more than I already did. We were suddenly a family, a real family.
My response when my son cried was immediate. I didn't like it. I had a physical need to comfort him. Some experts recommend suppressing this need and a lot of mothers are successful at doing that. I could not. I had planned to, I wanted to, but I couldn't. My baby needed me and I needed to comfort my baby.
I continued to try to follow the experts recommendations. I really wanted some time with my husband. I envied the women who bottle fed or could express their milk and went out with their husbands, alone, only weeks later. I could not, though I desperately wanted to.
Months passed. My son was on a pretty good schedule, with a regular bedtime and naptime.
I rocked him to sleep. I still couldn't bear to hear him cry.
I had to return to work. I begged God to make a way for me to stay home. I thought of many ideas, none were practical. I weaned my baby onto a bottle at 6 mos., heartbreaking. I prepared to take him to my mother-in-law while I worked. We visited regularly, getting him used to his new surroundings. Sanford and I went out for our birthday when he was five mos., we enjoyed our time together but also missed our baby. When we called to check on him, he was sick (vomiting with a fever) so we went home.
He cried every morning when I left him and I cried all the way to work, praying that he would be okay and still praying for a chance to stay home with him.
I was torn between my obligations at work, time with my husband and time with my son. It was hard for me.
My frustration with the nanny shows and moms that do things differently is that I could not do it that way. I recognize that it was my failure. If I could take a step back and allow some emotional distance, things may have been different.
I hung onto my self proclaimed title of "good mother", knowing that I was meeting my baby's emotional needs, but perhaps neglecting those of my husband and my own. I can see now that I probably wasn't healthy emotionally, maybe I'm still not.
I know my kids would have been fine with a different mom who has different methods. Those moms are great and organized and have time for their husband way sooner than I could be. The nanny shows are probably beneficial, I just can't bear to hear the little children crying and so, I can't watch them.
I'm giving to God this last thing that I thought I could do well, because in truth, my kids are great kids because of Him and in spite of me.
Somehow we've made it through. My husband still loves me and after this last batch of kids we're anxious to get back to being simply, a couple. I hope the decisions we've made haven't caused any damage that time together can't fix.